something less disturbing than previous posts

On the shore with my hands full of sand, watching as friends gather round a log fire, the festivities are afoot, they begin they begin and they dont stop for days. I am still feeling alone among all of these people, detached from their ways not understanding the bond they have if I have anything to say they laugh and I sway and no one comes looking for me when I go off alone to be. Its all a mirage, its all pathetic its all what I dont want it to be, but it lingers and the loathing has consumed me, I cannot shake it, but i must shake it, I shake I freeze as the panic attack takes hold, I think I am going to die, but my eyes are closed, someone finally appears to pry, a shadow, a voice, some soothing words, my world has been declared by someone I have never met before, and a blanket of sand is my friend, I am alone but a stranger can be a friend.

PSNI

They said to me I would do brilliant things, they lied they lied to me, I havent forgiven for weeks, I havent forgiven for years... I havent forgiven myself. Its all about conventions to them, how well does a person look act... speak.. we are parasites as a friend once said.. no on cares about anyone we are all going the same way.. we need to make the most of it... well how can we when theres no bread to feed the duck with? nothing to keep us interested.. are we all brainless? do we think that poisoning ourselves is interesting.... thanks for listening... im too politically correct sometimes.... your friend... the pig the police man with a badge.. eating sausage rolls... ironically.

Draped as curtains fall

Working hard all week, just falling beneath my potential peak, I feel worthless, I feel like I should be doing more to have a purpose, I need the nurses, to come in here and show me what it is like to be loved, I am taking no IV this time unless thats heroin you have put in there, if it isnt heroin it isnt enough, if its viagra I may take it, I am a wreck as an old guy sitting in a chair, perverted praying that these hookers dont want anymore pay, Im bigger than hugh hefner but I am far more depressed, how these addictions have become my curse, I love women trust me I love them with everything but its still not enough.. enough doesnt even have enough words. I dont even care for what everyone else cares for, I keep changing im never content, im absent, Im not here I dont even want to really know how your day went, its an illusion, there is no progress, there is just one of us and one of them, and one of everyone else, twins are still individuals, as they stradle me, dressed exactly the same, no ambition no drive, just bees to the hive, I never said I would be pleasant, my insides hurt from my lack of pride, I want heroin administered now, Administered to hide. I try to confess but no ones listening I have killed the parish priest and the serpants are hissing, my toes are glistening with the venom they spat, the church the order, the guy that wears that funny hat, i pray I pray in hope that some day that this will all end in such a way that im never forgotten as the person I was in youth, I am a walking perversion, I cant hide from the truth.

Foreign bodies(Loathing)

Smile at you and All I think is how did we meet, is it possible for us to meet again, or do I just remember you lying there dead? should it haunt me for the rest of my days, should i stare into your purile face and think fuck what have I done to put you in this state?

You walked into my life, alive and well now you just sit there blank expression no love to show, was this love over indulged, was it over exposed or should I have said goodbye sooner than I should have, Do I look like I might cry for you when you cry? sitting there frosted over ignoring me talking on your phone. Who is he? who are you, why do you avoid conversation why do you do the things you do, we pass by in eachother I ask for a hug but you shrug you dont see me, And now for the first time I dont see you.

Lipstick On the rim of your glasses, the tension showing in your face, you are with him now, but we still live in the same place, its dark inside the main nerve the one you trapped with your once warm embrace, I drink I cough, we make eye contact, the windows are barred like a prison, the room is like ice, this is not normal, even for us, Id rather fall for someone who hated me than have someone smother me with love.

My eyes flutter with twitching nausea, as the cringing reality becomes to much, you chose him you chose, him you... killed me babe, you really killed me and im dying now not of a broken heart, im on a plane choking my pride and im taking the other passengers with me, did you ever love me?

its an alienation
I know you are pregnant
and you dont want to have it
because its mine
and Im retarded for you
go on ahead kill it..
make the most of it
at the abortion clinic.